a beautiful nightmare

i saw unpretentious reality as i observed without judgement.
i felt what i had slept through, unfeeling for years.
i died wen i was a child, selling wakefulness and paying an unfair price for survival.
in zombie land its easy to forget. everything is unlearned as the nerves that connect to each sense is slowly severed, mutating experiences, anesthesing life.
it is easy to forget what i remembered that day.
i saw canyons of desires, too deep for any consolation anymore. the shore was wild with waves of angry fear. splashing out in raw passion, creating craters to be filled, and them guarding them so that they wouldn't.
this self destructive pattern was the real deal. in a moment, existence, as my mind saw it, and lived it, borrowing life from tomorrow constantly

the beginning of nothingness, the entry point into the void was a sudden realisation... as the dust settled, and space created itself out of the vacuum of what seemed like everything, but nothing. l had a sudden thought in my newly emptied cup, i look like a nightmare! i thought. a powerful thought, this consumed me, showing me the patterns of my mind, a map drawn in relief, high priority areas were were in darker hues, while lighter shades filled out thoughts that were secondary and tertiary.

i saw truth in that moment. the hierarchy of priorities in my mind was not based on any particular logic, or common sense and reasoning.

it was visible to me objectively, and all the reflections that i could see in the shiny puddle of my mind, a lake with a million separate life forms, gorgeously coloured, grotesquely overpopulated, piled on top of each other, throbbing, living together in an indecipherable mess that could only be described as an artists dream.

i saw patterns swimming around, dancing sometimes, submissive at other times, ready to disappear. and everything that conspired, which defined the colour scheme of the living map, was me. my own fears and prejudice, my affections and choices created everything that defined me. the funny things is, what i saw in that moment, was new to me. wakefulness had me convinced that every action and every decision i made was backed by walls of rock solid logic.
maybe i had to fall asleep to witness the beautiful nightmare.